last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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