she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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