Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
