wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
His hands were made for my vagina.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
