I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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