Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
