Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I am one with the molecules
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
