lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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