I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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