Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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