The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
