How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
