we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
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I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
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It's blow job season.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.