I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.