listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
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My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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