Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.