Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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