M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
