we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
