he told me I talked like a deaf person
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
