Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
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they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
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I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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