Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
