you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
