New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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