the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
