Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So squirting runs in the family.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize