Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
