i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it's like heaven, but drunker
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
