i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
