I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
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On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
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Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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