Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
