What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?