I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
