Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
