i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
