I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
