ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
