i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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