Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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