Apparently you make a good broom.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think my moral compass just broke
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
