Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Randomize
