it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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