how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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