I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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