so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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