Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
