The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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