my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
