Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
