Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's blow job season.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
