life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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