Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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