I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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