You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
