Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
