I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
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