omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
