Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
