So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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