I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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