You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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